I have held onto my Colorado license for two reasons, 1) it's a good photo and 2) having it still makes me a Coloradan, but time marches on and license expire. So... in May I headed off to the DMV to officially become a New York State resident. I read all of the reviews on Yelp and thought I knew the ins and out of getting a new license at the Herald Square DMV. I arrived 30 minutes early per the Yelp instructions and stood next to a very irritated Asian woman who told me that she is a plastic surgeon and she had received a DWI after only a few glasses of wine and was now being put the ringer by he court and the DMV. After a long 30 minutes we were let in. Per the Yelp instructions I skipped the wait in the information line and headed straight to the line for photos. I showed my identification papers to the disengaged girl who accepted what I had as proof of identity. She then asked me to read a yellowed eye chart on a pillar behind her. I was wearing my mono vision contacts. In Colorado the test is a simulated road test which the mono vision would have worked well for, but an eye chart? tried and failed. She said I could repeat. I sluggishly continued. She said, "If you can't read it quickly you fail." I replied, "Then I fail." She gave me a form and told me that I could have my optometrist fill it out if I have current prescription for eye wear.
I went to the eye doctor. He tweaked my prescription but told me the DMV should have passed me with my mono vision contacts. But now I had the current form filled out.
I returned three weeks later.
Again I arrived at 7:30 a.m. to get in line. This time the man I was standing next to was the embodiment of Ed Norton from the Honeymooners. He talked non-stop about having to take time off of his construction job for the city to get his license renewed. I had on my headphones but he ignored them, so I eventually just took them off and listened to him drone on. Let me just add the building had scaffolding on the outside so the line was under the scaffolding. When he ran out of things to say he would do pull ups on the scaffolding. He was 40 if he was a day, so the pull-ups added to the absurdity of the situation. Ok, 8 a.m. We are let in. I went directly to the photo line. The woman asked for my identification. "Sorry, this is not sufficient. You can see a manager and see if they will accept it." I was sent to another window and a manager reviewed my documents. She looked at my birth certificate, marriage, certificate, social security card, and Colorado license. She said, "How did you get that social security card?" I told her that the baby Melinda Diane Malcolm married Jeff Neiblum, and the social security administration saw fit to issue me a new social security card with the name Melinda Malcolm Neiblum. DENIED. She needed more proof. I needed to bring in an addition piece of documentation to prove who I am.
Really? Really? (I never even got to the eye exam)
I went to the bank and had my debit card re-issued with my full name and I had my life insurance policy add Malcolm as my middle name.
To be honest I was in no rush to go back to the DMV. Two early mornings down and still no new license. I wasn't really sure that three would be a charm, but I was going to Missouri for a vacation and I wanted to have my New York State license in tow. After two years living here I wanted to prove to my family that living in the city was not a lark but in fact I am a legal resident. So I trudged down to 34th Street one more time.
I got there a little late so I didn't have time to befriend another DMV weary friend. I got in quickly. I showed my id to the first window. She accepted what I had. She asked me to read the chart. I showed her my documentation from my eye doctor. She told me to stand in front of the blue wall for my photo. Not really believing I would get this far I had on no make-up and my hair was flat, so I still wish I could have used my old Colorado photo. I was sent to the next window. I showed my paperwork. I laid out my birth certificate, my wedding certificate (which he eyed for several minutes before approving), my social security card, my Colorado license, and my bank debit card and statement. Slowly, very slowly he stamped my new paper license. He said the photo id would be in the mail within two weeks.
I left the DMV on cloud nine. I rode the subway home. As soon as I stepped back into the sunlight I shouted, "Oh, @#&!." I was flying to Missouri in three days and I had just traded in my only legal form of picture id for a paper document saying I had a license.
Here we go again. This time - Melinda Malcolm Neiblum verses the TSA. Sigh....
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